After months of counseling to help me deal with my feelings about Kevin and his poor decisions and how they affected my life, I feel like I have made incredible progress. Sharing what I have learned with others has helped instill it deeper within myself. Tomorrow will be a test to see if I can really live what I have tried to help others do. Set boundaries. Kevin will be released tomorrow from Davis County Jail after spending 18 months there. He has a 4 hour furlough and then he needs to spend at least one month in the work center where he will go to work during the day and return to the work center to sleep. If he can complete that successfully then he will be released completely. During his furlough tomorrow, we will pick him up, run errands that he needs to do so he can apply for jobs, and have a family dinner. I can already feel the boundaries I want to set crumbling. He can push my buttons like no other.
It has been such a wonderful feeling to have the spirit return to our home since he has been away. I do know that I never want to let his poor choices, manipulative behavior, and lack of respect ruin the feeling that we have here now. I understand that I need to be kind, gentle, respectful and FIRM (rules for setting boundaries) when deciding what I will and will not do to help him. My protective wall goes up when he asks even the smallest thing of me and I forget to be kind and gentle. I just become harsh and firm. I do not want to alienate him, but I also do not want him to take advantage of me. I have been rereading parts of my favorite books about boundaries tonight to prepare me. These are books recommended to me by my counselor and I have actually given copies of these to many friends that have need of setting boundaries. They have helped me immensely in gaining perspective on how I can handle having Kevin back in my life.
1. I Don't Have to Make Everything All Better written by Gary and Joy Lundberg
2. Boundaries written by Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend
These are great books for moms even if you are not dealing with prodigal children. Mothers need to set boundaries so we can have control of our lives or we can be totally engulfed by the needs and wants of others. That is not healthy for us or for those we serve.
My daughter Alex Soelberg a former ward member of your Singles ward told me about your blog- I am so happy she did! Your words regarding your son have touched my heart- especially this post. I can relate to every word you've said here and will definitely check out the books you mentioned. Thanks for your example- best of luck to you and your family.
ReplyDeleteAlex raves about your husband and how fun it was to have him as her bishop!
Ann-Marie Soelberg!