The Graduation That Didn't Happen

A year ago as I was contemplating starting this blog I had the vision that I could share some thoughts that would help other mothers of wayward children realize that they were not in this battle alone.  As the blog has evolved it really has taken on another  role which I believe is where it should of gone at the time.  There are days that I have felt truly inspired to write about our struggles with addictions and blatant disregard for our values that we have taught in our home, and I have had comments that they have been helpful to some for which I am truly grateful.  Today I feel inspired once again to share a part of our story.
Yesterday our son was re-incarcerated.  The ironic thing about this was that we had gathered as a family at the courthouse because he was supposed to be graduating from his program.  This was a big day for him.  Because of supposed good behavior he would no longer be on probation, no more mandatory drug tests or counseling sessions.  He could have the opportunity to have his felonies dropped to misdemeanors and be able to start with a fairly clean slate.  It sounds great, but deep down we knew he was not ready for this lack of accountability.  I wondered about the stupidity( sorry for the blatantness) of the judge, parol officer and his counselor that they believed that he was clean and ready to be set free.  His stories about what he was doing with his time and money were just not making any sense.  He was coughing and hoarse which is a sure sign of spice use, but they just kept telling him he was ready to graduate.  I realize it is easier just to get them out of the system than to deal with them and he does have a gift for manipulation.
We tried to be so thrilled for him as he prepared for graduation.  Jeff took him shopping the night before to buy new clothes for this important occasion and we planned a family dinner after to celebrate.  I even thought to take his picture before we went in the courthouse, just in case he wasn't with us when we came out of the courthouse.

He is such a cute kid and has such a great heart when he is thinking clearly.  He had made so much progress this time in his life.  He really tried at times to be kind and helpful at home.  It just wasn't enough though.  For some reason, he can't let go of those friends that bring him down to their level, that influence him to participate in destructive behaviors.  He had attended our YSA ward frequently and those wonderful kids reached out to him, embraced and loved him, and invited him to activities.  They were totally non judgmental, but he just couldn't do it.  He returned again and again to those he felt most comfortable.
As we convened in the courtroom, Kevin spoke with his parole officer and came in and told us he would not be graduating that day.  He had tested positive for Spice.  It is such an ugly and destructive drug with long term destructive side effects and unfortunately because of the cost they do not test for it often.  They just do random testing and lucky for him they found out before he was let free.  I say lucky because now in jail it won't be available for him to ruin his life further.  He will be stopped for a short time from self destructing in the world.
We were relieved that he was caught.  It is easier to sleep at night knowing he is being controlled instead of out making foolish choices with his so called friends.  We feel we made some great progress this time with him.  Jeff had spent hours and hours of time mentoring him at work and providing every opportunity for him to succeed.  Kevin will remember that.  We do love that boy so deeply and want the best for him, but for now he is where he needs to be.
Though I always knew he was participating in these destructive behaviors, deep down in a mother's heart there is always that tiny place that hopes she is wrong.  I hoped I was just panicking because of past experiences, not wanting to get too excited that he was doing well.  I wanted so much to believe in him.  So yes it hurt yesterday, it hurt deeply that I was right.  I wanted to be wrong.  I wanted to know that he was doing great and life was going to be easier and better for him.  My heart breaks when I think of all the joy and happiness he has missed in his life because of his poor choices.
Maybe this time as he has lots of time to  ponder and think about his life, he will have the desire and strength to turn it around.  I know that without the help of his Savior it is impossible to do.  The atonement is real and all encompassing.  It is big enough for Kevin,  it is big enough for all.